Christmas advice from the edge
Five tips from my 2023 Christmas failings
Christmas is primetime for unforced errors.
So many expectations. So much planning. So much deception.
Christmas in my home this year was no different.
So I offer you my five learnings from Christmas 2023:
1. Christmas Tri-Tip Tips
If you are put in charge of grilling the Tri-Tip (California Christmas at 68°F, anyone?), there are some things you need to remember:
If you cut the Tri-Tip up on the counter and walk away, your dog will grab a piece
Your dog will attempt to hork it down in one gulp
But since it’s such a big piece, she will choke and hack it up
She will repeat this multiple times
When you attempt to take away the gnarled gob of meat, your dog will bite your hand
But she won’t stop trying to get the meat, which she can’t swallow, so you’ll grab youg dog underneath her chest and lift her, Heimlich-style, to keep her away from the meat she just coughed up for the 7th time
And then you’ll make your beautiful wife pick it up with a paper towel
Which casts a pallor on the meal
Anyway, so the advice is — just order something nice from Honey Baked Ham.
2. I got too much credit for my wife’s hard work
And by that, I mean that I got ANY credit at all.
She does SO MUCH WORK to make Christmas special. For everyone. For the kids, for the grandparents, for the dog, for me. The meals. The gifts. The wrapping. The everything.
I mean, I did a little. But any credit I received should go to her. My words of praise aren’t enough. My gifts weren’t enough. Hopefully, this post will be enough (it won’t be). All credit for any Christmas joy goes to her.
PS — this is funny painful because it’s true. But I’m trying!
3. Ugh, assembling Christmas toys is SO 2014
As a Christmas Dad, you used to have the “go get AAA batteries” job, or the “assemble this with one of those Ikea thingys” job.
But now your job is Toy Extraction. To separate the Disney character from its impossible plastic prison.
One ILY doll (don’t ask) had 13 plastic hooks. THIRTEEN.
Note: I didn’t steal this. I’m not removing a security tag from a Gucci bag under threat of a Thanos-colored dye shower. I’m not opening up a Rober glitter bomb. I bought this with my own money (ahem, my wife bought it with OUR money, see above), and instead of my kid getting a doll, I got a job.
It took a full 20 minutes to pry this doll out of its carbonite shell.
Imagine the political worldview of the person who designed this security system. Envision their dark, untrusting heart.
It’s easier to destroy a Horcrux. The gold at Fort Knox is less secure.
4. If you ask for something, don’t buy it for yourself at Target three days before Christmas
If you are an adult, you are the worst to buy for.
The WORST.
No exceptions.
I am this.
I asked my wife and mother for “long-sleeved shirts” — my winter look (again, California winters, but still) is lacking.
But then I bought myself a shirt on a last-minute Target run. A thin, black long-sleve shirt. Hey, it was on sale for $17.
And then I received an identically styled, better quality shirt from my wife (again, see above).
And then I received like 6 other long-sleeved shirts.
Why do I do this?
5. “But what about the pagans?” Just don’t.
If you’re like me, and you a) believe in Jesus and b) believe that Jesus 100% was NOT born on December 25, 0, just keep it to yourself.
Nobody cares about Saturnalia—the pagan winter solstice holiday of gift-giving and celebrating the “rise of the sun” that got retconned by Constantine into the “Rise of the Son.”
No one wants to hear about the 4th-century Roman Empire. Come on man, don’t be the meme.
No one wants your intellectualizing on Christmas. Logic ain’t the Reason for the Season.
If people want Christmas to be about Jesus AND Santa, be cool. Let it be.
If Jesus is worthy of being celebrated on any ol’ Sunday (or any day?), then can’t he be high-fived on Christmas too?
Ho ho ho—
Feel free to bookmark these hot Christmas tips to ensure a great Christmas in 2024. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Did you learn any lessons at Christmas this year?
Any tips you have for me?
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