Jokes for no reason other than it's the weekend and we all need a break
Taking a break from deep, serious, and smart.
I’ve been recently writing about business advice, serious self-doubt, and ridiculous childhood fails, so I figured it’d be a nice break to share a few jokes that I’ve written in the last month, for no reason other than, like Mike Birbiglia, I love jokes, and I haven’t really sat down and written any in a long, long time.
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I hate the phrase “teamwork makes the dream work.”
First of all, this isn’t even a rhyme. It’s “work” two times. Hamilton, this ain’t.
Second, the cutesy rhyme just feels disingenuous… like every person who says it is 100% undercutting the team to make the dream NOT work.
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People who say "it's the least I could do" are liars.
There's always less they could have done.
Also, why are you bringing attention to the fact that you could have done more? How much more was on the table?
Better to do nothing and say, “that’s the best I could do.”
Or better yet, “I would have done less, but you caught me at a bad time.” That’s real bravery.
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When I was a teenager, a homeless man in Seattle came up to me and said “Spare change?”
And I got nervous and said “No thanks!”
(this really happened and I’m not proud of it)
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I want to spend more time with my kids, and by that, I mean that I want to spend more time with my phone, near my kids.
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A neighbor just put their old mattress out on the street and it’s covered with suspicious blood stains. I’m not sure what I’m more upset about: the murder or the littering.
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Every time I buy kombucha, I feel like an Eastern medicine doctor and I’m doing what the Latin phrase tells doctors like us to do: “Physician, heal thyself!”
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Someone in my neighborhood spray painted the phrase “McMansions Suck” on the sidewalk. You know what really sucks? My dog’s au pair has to see that EVERY DAY.
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My kids love to order avocado toast. But hold the spices, vegetables, cheese, and bread. And keep the avocado uncut and with the skin. Just a plain ripe avocado. $19.50 + tax and tip.
(this is also real)
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Every time I drink from a straw, a sea turtle sneezes.
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Every six months, a new Tupperware system takes over our house like a cult. “Yes, this is the one that will save us.”
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I saw the new Tesla Robot at the mall the other day. I called him Steve (he’s takin’ our) Jobs, but it didn’t laugh. But it did secretly put my name on a list.
I promised myself I would write and post a bunch of experimental things this month, and I have delivered on that promise. (high fives self)
Thanks for reading. Have a great weekend!
Alec