Taxis, Ubers, and Five Stars

It’s ridiculous how we get around

You love to see when someone really goes for it.

I ordered an Uber for my family this week — an UberXL — and this guy’s minivan was like Jurassic Park: he “spared no expense.”

He had disco lights, a PlayStation in the front console, an iPad, a VR headset, and even a costume box for my kids in the far backseat.

He was begging for five stars. Literally. He had signs up saying so.

There are two types of Uber drivers. The ones begging you for five stars, and the other ones that DARE YOU to rate them anything else.

You know the type. Gruff. Disinterested. Few words. You can’t tell if he’s on the phone or not. Brass knuckles in the cup holder. Every part of the vibe is “I know where you live.”

Five stars.

Good driver. Clean car. They don’t give you a button for “I feel intimidated.”

But these Uber drivers have it easy compared to taxi drivers.

I was in a taxi recently, and it had a sticker on the window:

“If you SOIL the INTERIOR of this taxi - with liquids or solids - you will be charged an additional $75 cleaning fee.”

The shenanigans these people must put up with. This happens SO OFTEN that it requires a sign?

The part that gets me is “solids.” Is this additional detail needed? Someone in Taxi HQ was writing this, racking their brains all night to nail the words. Presenting it to a conference room of colleagues. “It’s good, but needs more detail,” a lawyer says, “also, let’s ensure that every rider, about to soil or not, has to think about poop.”

It’s both too much and, I guess, not enough.

If you’re in a taxi, drunk and about to “soil with solids,” is the threat of $75 going to stop you? I mean, you’ve already spent $200 on appletinis, what’s $75 more?

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I got in an Uber in Vancouver last week. The guy had five stars. The next Uber? Five stars. What?

I get it. They’re all so nice but what would it take take for a Canadian driver to get a 4.9?

Attempted murder?

“He strangled me in the backseat, so I could really see that he had vacuumed the seats.”

Clean car. Almost died but didn’t. Polite driver.

Canadian five stars.

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I am delighted that my posts are one part deep exploration of self-identity and one part stand-up bits. Sometimes both together. Can you tell I’ve been reading Jerry Seinfeld’s book on my Christmas vacation?

Thanks for subscribing, and happy new year. Hope you’re enjoying your slow start to the year.