The default temperature of coffee is hot
My hottest of hot takes.
Okay, okay. The last couple of posts have been kinda heavy, right? Lots of "Who am I?" and "Is anyone else feeling this deep thing?" Blah blah blah.
Let's change it up.
I know some of you will be offended by this, but it's time to admit how wrong you are.
And for the rest of us to gloat over how RIGHT we are, and have always been.
The default temperature of coffee is hot.
It's not “maybe hot.”
It's certainly not iced.
And it's not an equal probability of being either iced or hot.
It's hot.
Iced coffee is a modifier of the default.
Which is hot.
Coffee is hot.
There's no moment in my day that causes more pure rage than the 2.4 seconds between when I order a coffee drink and when the barista asks—casually, coldly, and without irony—“And do you want that iced or hot today?”
There are fifty variations of this question. I hate them all.
“Is that gonna be iced or hot?”
“And do you want that hot or iced?”
“Iced or hot?”
“Hot or iced?”
Let me be clear: even on a record-breaking summer’s day in Phoenix, Arizona, in a coffee shop thats air conditioning has broken, but infuriatingly, the oven is stuck in the “on” position, the default temperature of coffee is hot.
No one will WANT a hot coffee in that scenario. OF COURSE.
I’m not saying that iced coffee shouldn’t exist. It should!
It’s just not the default. Every customer in that sweat (coffee) shop needs to say “iced” in their order.
Why? Because without the “iced,” they’re going to get it hot.
But seemingly, the world is broken. Coffee shops are broken.
Here's how it goes down for me. Every. Time.
Barista: “Next! How are you?”
Me: “I'm great, actually. How are you doing?”
Barista: (taken aback by me really asking because I am a wonderful, generous person, and that compelling vibrance radiates 100% of every day, especially in the morning) “I'm doing pretty well, thanks. What can I get started for you?”
(The dread starts to set in)
Me: “An almond milk latte.”
(Note that I specifically did NOT say hot or iced. I don't need to. That's wasted air. Because the default temperature of coffee is hot.)
Me: (inner monologue) Don't say hot or iced. Don't say hot or iced. Please, for the love of God, DO NOT say hot or iced.
B: “And do you want that hot or iced?”
Me: (fuming inside, through gritted teeth, my face red with anger the same temperate as what all coffee needs to be...) “Hot.”
B: “And do you want a 12-ounce or 16?”
(Side note: why do we say the ounces? I couldn't tell you how much an ounce is. A tablespoon? Sure. A gallon? Definitely. Two liters? I’ve bought Sprite before. But an ounce? I guess an ounce is how much liquid I could hold in one hand. Do I want twelve cupped palms of coffee? Or sixteen? I don't know. No one knows. Starbucks gets a lot of things wrong, but they got this right. Name the sizes. No one knows ounces.)
Me: “Let's do it. It’s a big day. Let's go big.”
(This is a joke I make every single time because I feel like I need to claw back from the agitation they saw in my pained face after the hot or iced question.)
Next time, I'll just say, "Surprise me!" like Ego at the end of Ratatouille.
Meanwhile, I'm still fuming and trying to reconcile while I'm so mad about hot or iced.
Why am I so mad at this?
It's because I KNOW that I am totally correct. The default temperature of coffee is hot.
I'm not wrong. This society is wrong.
And I know, deep down, that the baristas of America know this. They're not against me. They are not my enemy. My beef is not with them.
Baristas are asking me this pointless question (the default is hot) because they are a broken people.
They've been beaten down by the endless parade of horrible human beings who have walked up to a coffee counter, ordered a coffee drink without saying the word "iced," keeping their frozen desires a secret known only to themselves, and then, upon receiving their hot coffee drink (the default is hot), complained with a Karen-like, viral-worthy rant that they had wanted iced.
And the baristas have complied. Of course they did. The customer is always right. Even when they’re oh so wrong.
And after remaking a hundred billion drinks, the barista’s skin hardened. It's a leathery husk now, devoid of human dignity.
And to avoid the continued pummeling, they mutter the question that drives my blood pressure to the moon.
“Hot or iced?”
How did we get to this?
Was it the pandemic that ruined our species? Or did it simply speed along the awfulness that was already in motion?
I was flying by myself on a flight earlier this year, and saw an older couple boarding. Grandparent-ish in age and style.
They stopped and asked the man in the row in front of me if he'd be willing to switch seats so that they could fly together.
The man, who was CLEARLY sitting next to his wife, politely declined, saying that he didn't want to fly separately either.
As I heard this, I unbuckled my seatbelt, and as I was about to offer them my seat, the grandmother blurted out, "Well, THAT'S sucky!"
And I silently slipped that seatbelt right back on.
I don't reward that kind of rudeness, but more than that, who says the word "sucky?" Certainly no grandmother I know.
If any of my three children said "sucky" to me, I'd know I had failed as a parent.
But a 73-year-old grandmother with a water bottle hanging off her backpack?
Lady, you need some rehydration of your vocabulary.
(This was on Spirit Airlines because of course it was.)
All that to say, we aren't doing okay as a species.
I know, I know, it's not "everyone." I can see the comments now.
“But what about Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr?”
But for every Mother Teresa, we have 2.6 MILLION dudes who one-hand text on their phones while peeing at a public urinal.
And we seemingly have an entire society who forgot that the default temperature for coffee is hot.
Don’t make me say it.
Thanks for the rant space. I think this will turn into a good bit to try on stage.
PS - If I ever meet
on the NY Subway, this will be my hot take.What’s your coffee drink of choice?
Happy Halloween tomorrow.
If you give out candy to trick-or-treaters, two pieces of advice.
Number one, don’t be like my childhood neighbor who gave out Corn-Nuts instead of candy.
Number two,
:)
Have a great week!
Alec
Wesley Snipes sent me... haha!
I had Des read this and he would like you to know A) you are correct and B) they don't commit this sin in Melbourne as yet so if you need an ideal place to visit we both suggest you head south.