Inside The Courtroom of Your Mind
What voices are influencing your life? How I've discerned which ones to listen to and which ones should be held in contempt.
Hi there! This is part of my special #Stephtember Month of writing. A celebration of Wit, Wisdom, and (Wardell) Steph Curry. Please enjoy.
Have you ever said a joke, only to realize that it actually revealed an uncomfortable truth about yourself?
Oops.
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” (Hamlet)
On February 17, 2024, I watched the NBA All-Star Weekend festivities on TV.
All-Star Saturdays are full of basketball competitions—the skills challenge, the dunk contest, and the 3-point shoot-out.
Damian Lillard hoisted the 3-point shooting trophy that day, his second in two years, having defeated seven of the best shooters in the world. Quite a feat.
But just 15 minutes later, I quipped to my family:
"Is there any more POINTLESS trophy than what Damian Lillard just won?"
I openly mused if he might have dropped it in the trash.
What gives?
There was one problem with his victory.
He hadn't competed against the best shooter in history.
Steph Curry.
Shooter from distance, breaker of records, brother of splash.
Right after the "normal" three-point competition, Steph participated in a special, never-done-before "NBA vs. WNBA" contest against Sabrina Ionescu, widely considered the best shooter in the women’s league.
Steph ended with 29 points, claiming the GOAT-adorned belt, and Sabrina, 26.... the SAME as (or BETTER than) any male participant from the prior contest.
Mere minutes after Damian Lillard was crowned "the best," Steph Curry came out and not only topped his score in ONE ROUND, but he CELEBRATED WOMEN and drew attention to WOMEN’S SPORTS.
That night, Steph wasn’t just a champion, he was a humanitarian.
Thus, my comment…
"Is there any more POINTLESS trophy than what Damian Lillard just won?"
Please know this: Damian Lillard is no slouch. He's earned hundreds of millions of dollars playing basketball.
He’s considered a hero in Portland, after playing for the Blazers for 11 seasons.
He's been named one of the best 75 players in NBA history.
They call him “Dame Time” for a reason. He shows up on time, when needed.
He once ended the Oklahoma City Thunder’s ENTIRE SEASON on this ridiculous shot from the logo. (It's worth a quick watch.)
The voice
"Throw that trophy in the TRASH!" I joked.
This cutting joke was written by a small voice in my head.
The private, secret, petty one.
The doubting one.
And it was apparent.
In civilized society, you're SUPPOSED to say things like, “it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.”
But my real inner voice says something quite different.
“If you can't be the best, then why even try?”
And there it is.
"Why even try?"
That, my friends, is the reason many of you have signed up for my little list here only to receive a handful of haphazard posts in the past few months.
That small, insidious, lying voice, buried deep.
“Why even try?”
If I fear I can’t be “the best” (whatever that means), then why show my work to the world?
The fear of mediocrity sets in.
The fear of failure.
The fear of realizing—and not knowing how to grapple with—that maybe I'm not good enough.
RAWR
I spent a week in Hawaii this summer.
I brought three books with me, but I only read one.
In Say Yes, Scott Erickson has written—no harnessed—a funny, wonderful, kind, and approachable message about embracing your dreams, rediscovering your identity, and finding your way when life doesn’t go the way you wanted. Underlying it all, there’s an approach to seeing God in it all that gave me hope and a purpose.
My dream—being slowly expressed and embraced this year, has been to get back on stage.
To put myself out there. To embrace this performance side of me because it’s an important part of who I am.
Scott also gives a name to the stirring of self-doubt that undercuts a dream.
He calls it the “T-Rex of Giving Up.” Rawr.
Just two days after our Hawaii trip, still glowing in that hope, I had a serious spiral.
I had a bout of crankiness with my family (worthy of the side-eye I received), which made me embarrassed for myself.
And sitting in that wallow, we sat down to watch Somebody Feed Phil on Netflix, a food-travel documentary show about Phil Rosenthal (co-creator of Everybody Loves Raymond).
And while we watched Phil delight in meeting new people and trying new foods in some gorgeous corner of the world, I began to compare myself to him.
And the walls closed in.
He is (as edited in the show) funny, positive, quirky, and apparently fully himself.
And my jealousy stewed.
The T-Rex whispered, "Why even try?"
I spiraled from there.
The next morning, I had what I consider to be a full breakdown.
I journaled these thoughts, as I was about to meet with my new coach.
I’m re-reading them now, and I am cringing.
But I’ll share them with you because a) I’m a few months past this and they no longer sting, and b) I’d be overjoyed for you to read this and empathize, and c) maybe this helps someone dealing with the same little lying voice.
This is my journaling from that July morning, without edit:
These are the dumb narratives that overwhelm
Nobody’s interested in what you have to say
Nobody’s going to show up
You’re not worth making a TV show about
You’re too negative
You have no joy
Even this line of thinking is selfish
Why do you care about this?
you’re shallow
You don’t know how to work hard
you don’t have the drive
if you’re spinning out now, then how will you ever last through a long time of discipline
why don’t you trust God?
why aren’t you happy with what you have?
your dream is dead and dumb
Deep sigh.
That’s tough to read. Even now, weeks removed, I have compassion for the person to suffers the weight of those heavy thoughts.
I’d like to cross-examine the witness, Your Honor
But here I sit, about six weeks later.
Not crushed. Not wallowing.
Not perfect, but climbing out of the ravine.
I know now that those are false narratives from a lying voice.
How did I get through this?
A couple of people invested in me. My wife. My coach. My pastor.
I got to share some of it. And then all of it.
I tried to let better thoughts in.
I stumbled upon this:
Proverbs 18:14,17
The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
In a lawsuit, the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines.
We can let this lying voice hold us hostage.
Maybe it’s the only voice we deeply know. It speaks first.
It did for me, in that moment.
Until someone else comes forward to cross-examine.
To reveal the truth about who we are. And what we’re here to do.
Here are a few of the lawyers I’ve hired onto my new legal team:
Many poets are not poets for the same reason that many religious men are not saints: they never succeed in being themselves. They never get around to being the particular poet or the particular monk they are intended to be by God. They never become the man or the artist who is called for by all the circumstances of their individual lives. They waste their years in vain efforts to be some other poet, some other saint... They wear our their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems.
- Thomas Merton
And this guy.
The real enemies of our life are the 'oughts' and the 'ifs.' They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future. But real life takes place in the here and now.
- Henri Nouwen
This too.
The greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection.
- Henri Nouwen
And so…?
I don’t have a great way to wrap this up, other than to hit ‘publish.’
I’m here. I’m doing way better.
I’m making plans and hitting open mics.
I’m settling into being a good dad, doing good work where I can, showing up, and doing the inner work needed to grow.
I know my voice matters.
I know I can be of value.
I know I can push myself.
The rest is lies.
I have a good team in my corner.
And I’m not throwing any trophies away.
They’re hard-earned.
Thanks for following along.
I’ve had this post half-written for a few weeks, and I’m glad to share it.
I originally titled this one “Don’t Give Up Before You Start,” which is ironic because my best-performing post over the past year is “Give Up on Yourself.”
I’ve found that MANY, MANY people are wrestling with this same thing. Call it mid-life crisis. Call it a full-on crisis. Call it self-doubt.
However this finds you today, I hope you know that you’re not alone.
I hope you see me in this writing, and perhaps a little of yourself.
Would love to hear from you.
Have a great day — and whatever it is you’re doing, keep up the good work.
Alec
Woa- Thanks for writing this one, Alec. So many random thoughts came out of this in my first read, I will be reading it again. It is so good to hear this, I think we'd all be kidding if we didn't feel this way at some point - and thank you for being vulnerable to write this one.
I love this Merton quote:
"They wear our their minds and bodies in a hopeless endeavor to have somebody else's experiences or write somebody else's poems."
Figuring out what we want to do, and then (1) being brave enough to say it to ourselves, then (2) being brave enough to say it to the world, and then (3) to act on it is a very hard endeavor.
Also.. random, but I just heard of this writing exercise this guy does-- it's a Morning Journal session where its fully stream of consciousness. There are two rules (1) NO negative self talk, and (2) one page. I'm on day 5 of doing it and establishing rule number has been a game changer.
Alec, I appreciate you sharing this. Life is complex, but there's always goodness to be found, more often when we are with others.