Newsflash: Elon Musk Reveals Next Phase of the "MCU"

Satirical business news about the original X-man.

Nov 04, 2024

I’ve recently written a few satire pieces, and I’m quite proud of this one. I submitted it to McSweeney’s and a few other publications, but they all passed. This is the life of a beginner. Instead of keeping this private indefinitely, I’m sharing it with you. Their passes are your gain.

ELON MUSK REVEALS NEXT PHASE OF THE “MCU”

AUSTIN, TX—During a recent Tesla earnings call, CEO Elon Musk unveiled his plan to further integrate his conglomerate of companies.

“Acquiring Twitter wasn’t a standalone move,” he explained, “Now that I’ve dismantled it and rebranded it as X, I can finally reveal how I’ve been laying the foundation for the broader ‘Musk Corporate Universe.’”

The controversial innovator claimed that his next phase “will yield many more ‘hits’ than that other MCU.”

The Community Notes Saga

Current Tesla drivers are familiar with “Tesla Vision” on their dashboard screens, which display radar-enhanced renderings of the cars around them.

Effective today, Tesla drivers can use “Community Notes” – the user-generated fact-checking feature on X – to label nearby cars by their driving behavior.

At launch, the labels will include “good driver,” “slow,” “woke,” “dangerous,” “drunk and/or illegal,” “hottie alert,” and “dumb dumb jerkface.”

The seven labels were auto-generated by X’s artificial intelligence product Grok by analyzing nearly two decades of X posts (Tweets). Musk intimated that new labels will become available whenever he “gets bored with the old ones.”

In a new incentive program, personally promised to Musk by Presidential candidate Donald Trump, the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has committed that, for every Tesla vehicle labeled "good driver," Tesla will receive a $0.69 rebate payment.

At this point in the presentation, Musk offered high-fives to nearby reporters.

Community Notes Get Real

Tesla will also soon install new Community Notes-powered hardware into all new models—S, 3, X, Y, and the Cybertruck—and issue a global recall to retrofit these new components into existing vehicles.

“In an innovative new approach to behavioral psychology, all Tesla drivers will now endure an immediate consequence if labeled ‘dumb dumb jerkface,’” gushed Nico Yarborough, Director of Research & Development.

As an example, if a Tesla driver cuts in line for a freeway onramp and is subsequently labeled "dumb dumb jerkface" by a nearby driver, a Tesla Bot arm will now pop out of the center console and punch them directly in the crotch.

“The Nutbuster 4-D™ will be an enduring component of the Musk innovation story,” grimaced Thom Phelps, one of Tesla's test-driving team, “This isn’t just a punch; this is the iPhone of undercarriage trauma.”

In Tesla Roadster models, which lack the center console space for the Nutbuster apparatus, a compartment in the roof will slide open, revealing a can of piping hot chili that will be spilled directly onto the driver's lap, causing severe physical and emotional scarring.

“The ScaldMaster 5000™ is an elite psychological training device, developed in conjunction with both retired Navy Seals and active-duty German dominatrices, and saved only for our most loyal customers,” added Gregory Henderson, Senior Director of Soups, Chilis, and Chowders.

Always the innovator, Musk also revealed that the Nutbuster 4-D would be installed in all Cybertrucks, but with a twist. The robotic arm will punch, grab, and, yes, twist, providing a level of shameful pain far, far less than that of driving a truck that resembles the losing car at a Cub Scout’s Pinewood Derby race.

Musk's critics are dubious about the gender parity of the Nutbuster device. “Why is this seemingly designed only for men?” asks U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren, “Why couldn't this be a punch to the boob, or hand me a note that says ‘you should smile more’?”

Tesla representatives pushed back on this narrative, citing that sixteen years of driving data findings demonstrate that only men drive badly enough to deserve such pelvic violence. “We've designed this feature as a response to the free market of human behavior,” claimed Jim Fellows, Vice-President of Equity and Crotchal Strategies.

The Power of Inevitability

Tesla enthusiasts across the internet praised the innovations. “Elon is inevitable! I can’t wait to see what’s next in the REAL MCU,” stated X user @Bethany787112, in between posts about tantric yoga and invitations to join her private video chat, “RT @LegoBatMan Iron Man suxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx #sucks.”

Additional cross-corporate synergies are in the works.

Any car labeled “drunk and/or illegal” will be passed along to Musk-owned SpaceX, whose satellites can track the accused car and provide both real-time updates and suggested tactical guidance to local police, U.S. armed forces, Musk’s personal cell phone, ICE, and any unregulated civilian militias in the area.

Future upgrades will allow drivers to “cancel” any offending nearby car by directing X's Grok AI to research its driver's social media handles, bank accounts, social security numbers, and past girlfriends.

“Tesla Auto-Auto-Canceling is going to be big. Why just honk when you can systematically dismantle someone’s entire existence?” pontificated Brett Parsons, Director of Double-Plus-Good Work, “We could use The Boring Company to cause a sinkhole under someone’s house. There are so many exciting ways to ruin a life.”

“Anyone whose life is ruined here on Earth will be a great candidate to volunteer to travel to Mars on our experimental SpaceX ships,” Musk added, “We’re going to be an interplanetary species, whether you like it or not. It’s an exciting day for humanity, which, as you know, I love.”

Tesla stock was up 17 points today.

Hope you liked reading as much as I liked writing it.