I can’t talk enough about this. First loved the piece. I always imagine when I’m on my phone i have a huge brown bag over my head. Can’t see my kids, can’t really hear them, and I’m totally not present.
It seems crazy y we have to restrain ourselves from these things but it’s no joke, and life is SO MUCH BETTER when we get off the damn phone. I’m glad you wrote about this. Thank you
You're welcome. I feel SO SMART when I talk about this as a plan for my kids (no phones! no social media!), and SO DUMB when I apply it to my own behavior ("my precious...").
Thank you for this piece. I’ve so far been very pro device because I won’t lie, I use it as my baby sitter while I try to work full time from home/build a business and also look after the home all at the same time.
We got a Nintendo switch for the boys last Christmas and I’m seeing first hand how they interact with that vs how they are on their phones and the contrast now for me is stark. Especially with YT/YT kids where the programming just gets on my nerves.
My position has always been the world is awash with tech and I need to show them how to use it responsibly.
For me this has been bit of an eye opener and I liked how you positioned the change to your kids. I’d quite like to be off the phone myself, I’m starting to find it quite boring actually
All the effort you’re making is beautiful and sign that you’re a great parent.
I’m coming around to the idea that I should hold back devices as long as possible, and then introduce in high school. Social media not til age 16 or 17, as a 1-2-year (parent-guided) runway into adulthood. We’ll see if that’s the right call.
Awesome piece and gonna order the book! This topic has been on my mind as we figure out plans for our 3.5 year old. My sister is a therapist and seeing first hand the impact these screens and social media is having on our children
I am so glad you're writing about this. I've also noticed people talking about this book more and more. Def adding to my booklist.
Our girls are finishing 5th and 7th grade (turning 11 and 13 this summer, what?!). The have one small tablet that has many blocked apps and a Switch with no online play. We are so borning (that's what they tell us). While the devices are limited to Fridays and weekends only (including TV time), we allow them to use the tablet for music during the week for homework.
We are not perfect in how we navigate this device thirsty generation but we are also trying to teach these girls to engage with people. It is an uphill battle at times since they are the last in their grades (sometimes feels like their generation) to not have a smart phone, smart watch, or smart TV in their room. They challenge our take on this all the time. I am okay with that, because they are growing up learning how to live life outside their devices. I'll take that outcome any day over the other.
Hi there! Great to hear from you. What you're doing is almost exactly how we're doing it.
We gave the 13yo an Apple Watch as a bridge, with extreme limitations on who she can text. There are pluses and minuses to that -- while I like that it's not a full phone, I dislike that it's always on her wrist -- a constant pull away. My take on phones is probably 16. They need training wheels before they become full adults and can do whatever they want. I don't need the "college binge drinking" equivalent to phone use.
One thing you mentioned is a hard no for us -- no devices in their rooms. No TVs, no iPads, no computers. Everything is used out in the open in the family area.
My kids don't have screens. I aim to keep it that way for as long as is possible. We eat together at the table. We talk. I never want them to feel lonely because of things that could have been prevented. School send homework tasks that assume they have tablets. I've never been pulled up about their lack of completion (because they do their written work no problem). Tech has the potential to help and educate but at the dinner table? No. I see toddlers in strollers swiping on tablets now. It's depressing. The world is so exciting when you're small.
I have started trying to encourage my friends along this same path. When out to dinner with our group, whoever looks at their phone 1st during the sitting down time has to pay the bill. (Or the tip, or buy the drinks).
I love the thought that church ritual helps us have a synchronous experience.
Appreciated this one, Alec! Thinking about this a lot, especially having two toddlers. I loved the realization that some types of screen time are additive to a communal, social experience. Now I’m curious about your stance on cell phones for kids.
There are MANY alternatives, including dumbphones (Light Phone, Wise Phone, etc.) and smartwatches. We gave my 13yo (7th grade) an Apple Watch. Many pluses and minuses to report. It doesn't have the draw of a full phone (good), no apps (win), easy parental controls (hallelujah), and location tracking (excellent), but it is always on her wrist and, therefore, a constant distraction (boo).
We likely won't do a full phone until 16yo. My desire is to balance between holding it back as long as possible, and providing parent-guided training wheels before they leave home. I want to avoid any kind "college binge drinking" equivalent to phone usage.
Wow, love the comparison to college binge drinking. Not to go on another tangent, but I've also been thinking about sweets and desserts for my kids in a similar way. It's not just "everything in moderation." There's intention and understanding behind everything you're doing. I'd love to read about the conversations you have with your kids, ie, how to talk to our kids about all this stuff and how kids might respond to it.
As someone who just told their 8yo, "no you can't have fruit loops and apple slices in your (school) snack - those are both just sugars," I'm learning on the fly here too.
The theme in our house these days is "we can do hard things." We don't always get our way. Life is full of disappointment. Trying to craft some resilience from an otherwise pretty comfortable life.
As they say, the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem.
Like you, I admitted that I had a problem and I didn't like where it was going, so I decided to do something about it, for myself and for my children (they are 9 and 13).
This experiment too is a work in progress, to find that balance between digital world and real world.
So far the result shows more on the positive trend, but there is so much that can be done. I have not found that balance yet.
Anyway, I wrote all the strategies I am using now in my recent post:
A unive5rsal law - you become what you put your attention on especially if you do the same for many hours every day.
The Jesuits used to say something like this. Give me the child for the first seven years of its life and then the child will be (brain washed) to belong or held in the clutches of the church for the rest of its life.
So what then is happening to youngsters who spend hours every day being (quite literally) brainwashed by their addictions to screens.
I can’t talk enough about this. First loved the piece. I always imagine when I’m on my phone i have a huge brown bag over my head. Can’t see my kids, can’t really hear them, and I’m totally not present.
It seems crazy y we have to restrain ourselves from these things but it’s no joke, and life is SO MUCH BETTER when we get off the damn phone. I’m glad you wrote about this. Thank you
You're welcome. I feel SO SMART when I talk about this as a plan for my kids (no phones! no social media!), and SO DUMB when I apply it to my own behavior ("my precious...").
LOL this.
Thank you for this piece. I’ve so far been very pro device because I won’t lie, I use it as my baby sitter while I try to work full time from home/build a business and also look after the home all at the same time.
We got a Nintendo switch for the boys last Christmas and I’m seeing first hand how they interact with that vs how they are on their phones and the contrast now for me is stark. Especially with YT/YT kids where the programming just gets on my nerves.
My position has always been the world is awash with tech and I need to show them how to use it responsibly.
For me this has been bit of an eye opener and I liked how you positioned the change to your kids. I’d quite like to be off the phone myself, I’m starting to find it quite boring actually
All the effort you’re making is beautiful and sign that you’re a great parent.
I’m coming around to the idea that I should hold back devices as long as possible, and then introduce in high school. Social media not til age 16 or 17, as a 1-2-year (parent-guided) runway into adulthood. We’ll see if that’s the right call.
Awesome piece and gonna order the book! This topic has been on my mind as we figure out plans for our 3.5 year old. My sister is a therapist and seeing first hand the impact these screens and social media is having on our children
Hi! You’re in the best place to make some real strong decisions. Hope you’re doing well!
It’s me too. I loved this. Thank you!
Thanks Irene!
I am so glad you're writing about this. I've also noticed people talking about this book more and more. Def adding to my booklist.
Our girls are finishing 5th and 7th grade (turning 11 and 13 this summer, what?!). The have one small tablet that has many blocked apps and a Switch with no online play. We are so borning (that's what they tell us). While the devices are limited to Fridays and weekends only (including TV time), we allow them to use the tablet for music during the week for homework.
We are not perfect in how we navigate this device thirsty generation but we are also trying to teach these girls to engage with people. It is an uphill battle at times since they are the last in their grades (sometimes feels like their generation) to not have a smart phone, smart watch, or smart TV in their room. They challenge our take on this all the time. I am okay with that, because they are growing up learning how to live life outside their devices. I'll take that outcome any day over the other.
Hi there! Great to hear from you. What you're doing is almost exactly how we're doing it.
We gave the 13yo an Apple Watch as a bridge, with extreme limitations on who she can text. There are pluses and minuses to that -- while I like that it's not a full phone, I dislike that it's always on her wrist -- a constant pull away. My take on phones is probably 16. They need training wheels before they become full adults and can do whatever they want. I don't need the "college binge drinking" equivalent to phone use.
One thing you mentioned is a hard no for us -- no devices in their rooms. No TVs, no iPads, no computers. Everything is used out in the open in the family area.
My kids don't have screens. I aim to keep it that way for as long as is possible. We eat together at the table. We talk. I never want them to feel lonely because of things that could have been prevented. School send homework tasks that assume they have tablets. I've never been pulled up about their lack of completion (because they do their written work no problem). Tech has the potential to help and educate but at the dinner table? No. I see toddlers in strollers swiping on tablets now. It's depressing. The world is so exciting when you're small.
Hey Siri, insert a Mandalorian "this is the way" GIF.
EVEN MY JOKES REQUIRE SCREENS!
I appreciate your willingness to endure the (potential) social conflict with your school's expectations. Most people would fall into line.
I have started trying to encourage my friends along this same path. When out to dinner with our group, whoever looks at their phone 1st during the sitting down time has to pay the bill. (Or the tip, or buy the drinks).
I love the thought that church ritual helps us have a synchronous experience.
Yeah there's a massive pendulum swing in society. Feels like there is a big movement toward discipline away from screens and digital experiences.
I'm thinking about the dualities of shallow/deep, sync/async, and embodied/disembodied ALL THE TIME.
Appreciated this one, Alec! Thinking about this a lot, especially having two toddlers. I loved the realization that some types of screen time are additive to a communal, social experience. Now I’m curious about your stance on cell phones for kids.
Hi Charlie - thanks! Great to hear from you.
Here's my (current) take on phones:
There are MANY alternatives, including dumbphones (Light Phone, Wise Phone, etc.) and smartwatches. We gave my 13yo (7th grade) an Apple Watch. Many pluses and minuses to report. It doesn't have the draw of a full phone (good), no apps (win), easy parental controls (hallelujah), and location tracking (excellent), but it is always on her wrist and, therefore, a constant distraction (boo).
We likely won't do a full phone until 16yo. My desire is to balance between holding it back as long as possible, and providing parent-guided training wheels before they leave home. I want to avoid any kind "college binge drinking" equivalent to phone usage.
Wow, love the comparison to college binge drinking. Not to go on another tangent, but I've also been thinking about sweets and desserts for my kids in a similar way. It's not just "everything in moderation." There's intention and understanding behind everything you're doing. I'd love to read about the conversations you have with your kids, ie, how to talk to our kids about all this stuff and how kids might respond to it.
As someone who just told their 8yo, "no you can't have fruit loops and apple slices in your (school) snack - those are both just sugars," I'm learning on the fly here too.
The theme in our house these days is "we can do hard things." We don't always get our way. Life is full of disappointment. Trying to craft some resilience from an otherwise pretty comfortable life.
Hahaha. I’m imagining being 8 and being told apples and fruit loops are the same. 😂
Resilience in an otherwise comfortable life…cheers to that.
Follow up: Rainn Wilson just hosted Jonathan Haidt on his Soul Boom show https://youtu.be/640ReN0PuwI
Great post Alec.
As they say, the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem.
Like you, I admitted that I had a problem and I didn't like where it was going, so I decided to do something about it, for myself and for my children (they are 9 and 13).
This experiment too is a work in progress, to find that balance between digital world and real world.
So far the result shows more on the positive trend, but there is so much that can be done. I have not found that balance yet.
Anyway, I wrote all the strategies I am using now in my recent post:
https://lifeapprentice.substack.com/p/11-tips-to-fight-social-media-addiction
Two comments::
A unive5rsal law - you become what you put your attention on especially if you do the same for many hours every day.
The Jesuits used to say something like this. Give me the child for the first seven years of its life and then the child will be (brain washed) to belong or held in the clutches of the church for the rest of its life.
So what then is happening to youngsters who spend hours every day being (quite literally) brainwashed by their addictions to screens.